The title here refers mainly to writing, though it also touches upon other areas of my life. Right now, I’m pissed off. Really pissed off. Truth be told, I have been for a few months now, primarily because of my hideous inactivity in life. I’ve spent pretty much all this calendar year to date doing sod all. When I have time to get on with things, I’ve been procrastinating to a huge degree. Instead of doing the things I love, I’ve been using tiredness as an excuse and reverting to the good old meaningless timewasters such as social media, doomscrolling, falling down YouTube rabbit holes, and flicking through the likes of Netflix and Prime, adding interesting new films or shows to watchlists which will never come close to being completed, unless I live to the ripe old age of 478.

The lack of writing is the key frustration. The drive has gone. The motivation has completely dried up. The enthusiasm disappeared at around the time the Christmas decorations were boxed and put back into the loft. Here’s the proof:

• I shared my previous blog post here on the 27^th January.
• The 80’s music blog, which I was incredibly excited to start in September 2024, with an aim to post weekly, has fallen by the wayside. 7 months in and I’ve shared 11 posts to date, the most recent being the 22^nd March.
• I intended writing way more blog posts for my music duo, Lux Bay, mainly to focus on weddings we’ve played. Not one of those has materialised. The most recent blog post on our website is from August 2022.

I feel embarrassed just typing that paragraph. It’s awful. I love working on all these areas, but something changed a few months ago. I’ve been in a seemingly perpetual state of tiredness for some time now, which really doesn’t help, and I’ve been, quite pathetically, using that as one of several excuses not to write. Excuses or lies – make up your own mind which category these fall into:

• The working day has taken it out of me. I’ve earned the right to relax (i.e. sit on my fat arse and procrastinate, rather than doing anything truly meaningful).
• It’s so difficult to get started.
• Finding the time is so hard – there is much I need to do in addition to this.
• I can’t find interesting things to write about. The well is drying up…

All of these are, quite frankly, utter bollocks. It’s taken me 4-5 months to notice this though. It got so bad, I’d considered ditching all of it. I just didn’t want to write any more. A few weeks ago, I was very close to sending out the messages saying I’d had enough. I write largely for me anyway, so that wouldn’t have been a problem. I don’t do it for feedback or reactions, which is a damned good job given how social media algorithms work these days. Responses are nice, though they’re certainly not essential. Thankfully though, I chose not to share those updates.

Perhaps this is just a symptom of all my frustrations in life just sitting rent-free in my head. I’ve been angry lately. Far too angry, which also hasn’t helped. Angry at myself. Angry at the world we bring our children into. Angry at politicians. Angry at Americans for voting in a megalomaniac narcissistic grifter who seems hellbent on changing the entire world order. Things got so bad a couple of weeks ago, I stood in my kitchen and called my coffee machine a ‘f*%king prick’. Yes, that’s right. I stood and swore at an inanimate object because it had the sheer audacity to run out of coffee. If that isn’t a really, really bad sign, I don’t know what is…

Since that point, I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I can do to turn this around. I’ve distilled it to one key factor which, if I can change, will help immeasurably: do everything I can to change the constant feeling of tiredness. That’s it. That’s the one thing which, if I can successfully address, will make a huge difference. I’ve started to note some of the things I can do which can surely only be beneficial over time:

• Lose weight (yawnnnnn – he’s back on that one again).
• Exercise more. Sadly, this has also tailed off this year. That must change. I know it makes me feel better and much more energised.
• Better food choices. Cut down on portion sizes. Cut out as many high-sugar desserts as possible. Fast at least 4-5 days each week. Don’t eat anything, on any day, after 7pm.
• Better drink choices. I don’t drink as much alcohol as I used to, though I still need to severely reduce this. I also need to drink less coffee and tea, and drink far more water.
• General procrastination. It is easy to forget how tiring it is when we stare at a phone screen for hours on end. It isn’t just the phone battery which drains at times like these…

One other factor I’ve noted is that, ultimately, my mood is always dependent on whether or not I’ve made good or bad decisions. So, I now frequently ask myself if I’m about to make a good or bad decision (only in my mind though – I don’t sit on the train to work talking to myself…). Pretty much about everything in life too, such as:

• Walking back to the train station after a long day at work, tired and hungry. Spotting Greggs and being tempted to nip in for a sausage roll, to fill the gap until my main meal. A good or bad decision?
• Hitting 10pm and knowing I’m ready for bed, though it’s tempting to search for a new guitar review video on YouTube, which will inevitably lead to at least an hour of watching similar videos. A good or bad decision?
• Not heading out for an early-morning walk as I simply can’t be bothered and it can wait until tomorrow. A good or bad decision?
• Reacting in kind to what I see as someone else’s petty comment or action, purely as it seems the right thing to do. A good or bad decision?
• Filling my water bottle rather than making another coffee. A good or bad decision?

The list could go on and on but hopefully you get the point. I genuinely ask myself this question many times each day and it’s certainly helping. That is helping me turn this negative period on its head. A huge positive is that one of a few recent lightbulb moments (and I know I’m stating the bleeding obvious here…) is that I am in control of much of this. I can change it if I truly want to. I can rekindle that motivation and enthusiasm. I will make things better. Thankfully, that’s the place I’m in right now; today. I have no interest in comparing myself to others, in any walk of life. I just want to be a better version of me than I was yesterday / last week / last month / last year. That’s it. It’s just me versus me, and I’ve been losing that battle for much of this year to date.

This isn’t a pity post. My family don’t need to worry – everything about my family life is great. Truly great. I certainly don’t want sympathy.  I certainly don’t want people messaging me asking if I’m ok. I am. I’m fine. Just tired and frustrated with myself. That will improve – it simply must. The reason for summarising here, as with much of the rest of this blog, is that I hope it will help anyone else out there who is in a similar position. Often, it’s easy to think this way and think you’re the only person on the planet doing so. That is rarely the case.

Finally, apologies for the bad language in this post. That isn’t my usual approach, though I was pouring my feelings onto the page and it seemed necessary and justified today. Plus, I think back to the wonderful Billy Connolly quote and feel a little better about it: ‘People say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish! I know thousands of words, but I still prefer ‘f*%k!’’.

Best wishes and take care.

Mick