As a result of last week’s weight-loss update, I got to thinking about how I might feel once I finally achieve that goal and get to where I want to be physically. That made me consider what I don’t currently do and haven’t done in the past as a result of low self-confidence / a lack of self-esteem. I’m not discussing anxiety within this post as I’ve previously referenced that in detail, though I’m aware that I haven’t really broached how a lack of self-confidence makes me act. Having to deal with this has certainly led me to do the following:

• Frequently avoid or refuse having my photo taken.
• Feel ridiculously self-conscious as a result of hating my voice and subsequently avoid many types of public speaking opportunities, particularly at work (despite quite frequently feeling as though I have something important to say).
• Feel ridiculously self-conscious as a result of how I look and subsequently avoid any type of event where I feel I’d be the focal point, particularly at work (despite quite frequently feeling as though I have something important to say).
• Find it difficult to look people in the eye whilst talking in person.
• Not apply for TV quiz shows I’d love to appear on (I’m a bit of a quiz geek!) for fear of how I’ll look and sound.
• Tend to take a passive role in work-based meetings and let more confident & vocal colleagues take the lead (unless there’s something I really do feel compelled to say).
• Get involved in extra-curricular activities which I am passionate about. For instance, my daughter is at secondary school and I am a member of the PSA (Parent Staff Association) there, primarily as I want to help make a difference wherever possible. I should also have joined the equivalent at her primary school but didn’t, the primary reason being that character traits I really don’t like are arrogance and people with an inflated sense of self-importance. I imagined there would be people like that on the group and, whilst I should be able to deal with that whilst holding healthy and constructive conversations, the truth is that, when in their presence, I seethe inwardly and retreat back into my quiet, comfy shell rather than stating my views and potentially creating a situation of conflict.
• Undersell myself in job applications and interviews. Like, really undersell myself in job applications and interviews.
• Feel more like the ‘real me’ when I’m faceless, i.e. when communicating in writing, whether that be text messages, WhatsApp groups, e-mails, blog posts, social media posts etc.
• Despite playing guitar since the age of 13, I didn’t join my first band until my early-30s.
• Really battle to be an outgoing type when performing live as part of Lux Bay. Whilst I love playing guitar and will now always conquer these issues in order to do so, I’m certainly not a born-entertainer and therefore considerable extra work is required when performing our ‘party set’. Despite having received lots of fantastic feedback, I’m much more in my comfort zone when playing laid-back acoustic sets (wedding breakfasts, ceremonies etc) where we still play a vitally important role but aren’t the absolute focal point of the proceedings.
• Despite having always loved reading and writing, I didn’t offer anything for public consumption until last year (at the tender age of 45…).
• Need a drink or two on nights out to truly relax and become a little more confident.
• When I exercise, I do it in quiet, on my own. I had a spell of running a few years back, getting up at around 5.15am to head out, primarily as I do prefer my own company when exercising but also as I was concerned about what people would think of me if I ran at busier times.
• Keep what I feel is a really good website / potential side-hustle business idea to myself for a couple of years (that remains the case, for now…).
• Intentionally seek out the quieter part of the train during the daily commute.

Reading back on this post prior to publishing, I feel sad, primarily as a result of having missed so many opportunities so far in my life as a result of this. Again, as referenced in recent posts, I’m hoping weight loss, shedding some body fat and getting to a place where I’m more comfortable with how I look will improve many of these. However, I suspect that whilst that may help, I doubt it will ever fully solve these issues. As always, I’ll keep you posted via this blog.

Thanks for reading and take care.

Mick