It was International Men’s Day on Tuesday (19th Nov). The annual event aims to provide a way of celebrating the male role models in our lives and to shine a light on the issues that males face day in and day out. To me, the latter is more prominent these days, and that’s no bad thing. Whilst the theme for 2024 is “Positive Male Role Models”, the conversation when discussing this subject inevitably (and importantly) nearly always turns to male mental health and wellbeing. The stats continue to be jaw-dropping and upsetting. Within England, 5656 male suicides were registered in 2023, which is 372 more than in 2022. Males aged 45-49 were found to have the highest suicide rate (25.3 per 100,000) and there is a distinct regional variation in the rates, with the highest rate (and biggest increase) occurring in the North-West, with 14.7 deaths per 100,00 people, compared with 12.5 deaths per 100,000 in 2022. For contrast, the lowest rate was in London, with 7.3 deaths per 100,000 people.
Male suicide being a growing issue shouldn’t come as a surprise to many people. Thankfully, this is talked about more these days than it was just a few years ago. Men seem to be more willing to talk about mental health issues, and there have been some really important views and experiences aired by celebrities, which certainly helps raise awareness. Yet, this is still a huge issue. The numbers continue to increase. There is still a sense that so many men don’t feel that they can speak about their problems and concerns or seek help when they need it. This is perhaps a controversial comment, but I’m going to say it anyway – for me, a huge issue is toxic masculinity.
Toxic masculinity is a term used to describe the negative aspects of exaggerated masculine traits, which men and boys may feel a pressure to conform to because of cultural or societal expectations. For example, this might be the idea that men have to be providers, or shouldn’t show weakness. Researching toxic masculinity brings up a huge range of descriptions, opinions, and potential explanations. The following, describing the core tenants of toxic masculinity, summarises it neatly for me:
- Toughness – men are strong and emotionally hardened.
- Anti-femininity – men who reject feminine traits, including most emotion, accepting help, and domesticity.
- Power – men are worthy only if they have money, power, status, and influence.
A lot of men do feel pressure. Pressure to be seen to be strong; to be the protector; to have a successful career; to be the provider; to not show signs of weakness, relating to physical, and particularly mental, health; to not show emotion. Some of this is generated by external resources, but so much of it also comes from an internal place.
So, how do we try overcoming this? An issue which has been embedded in much of our society for decades now? For me, there are 2 key factors which help combat toxic masculinity:
- Having a strong and reliable support network.
- Spending quality time with those people, preferably face-to-face at regular intervals.
Both the above will hopefully lead to a safe space where men can talk openly and honestly. You see, fundamentally, the crux of it is, men desperately need each other but will rarely admit it. I’m thinking primarily of my family and friendship groups right now. I’m very comfortable talking about my feelings and my state-of-mind, though I know that there are still groups where that doesn’t currently happen (and likely never will). It will likely come as no surprise that these groups are the typical ‘bloke’s friendship’ groups. The groups where banter prevails and we take the piss out of each other all the time, because that’s what we do. Boys will be boys, and all that. Thankfully though, I have other friendship groups, often much smaller in terms of numbers, which are hugely important to me. Groups where I can talk about feelings and wellbeing more openly. Groups that are absolutely essential for me.
I have male friends and family members who I love, yet admitting that is still quite frowned upon these days. Telling friends you love them? Jeez – what is the world coming to? I frequently tell my mum and dad I love them, and that is fine and seemingly normal. Though saying this to friends? Other than having broached it in conversations with a couple or so, it’s never happened, despite me loving all my close friends. I value their friendship, and their presence in my life, more than they’ll know. Yet having conversations about this – not necessarily about love, but about emotion, feelings, wellbeing, and mental health, still seems difficult. In some instances, in fact, it’s a borderline taboo subject. But those open and honest conversations are so important. It’s the main reason I love the TV show Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing so much. Yes, the show features Bob and Paul larking about a lot (thankfully so), but, fundamentally, it’s about male friendship, emotions, feelings, health, wellbeing, and talking about the parts of life which men so often don’t discuss. It’s the main reason I’m also loving a new TV show: Perfect Pub Walks with Bill Bailey. A 4-parter currently showing on Channel 4, pubs doesn’t actually feature that much in the episodes I’ve seen so far. Each episode sees Bailey walking with a different male celebrity, talking about life, careers, and mental-health and wellbeing. It’s a delightful show and perfectly illustrates how trying to create experiences such as these can make it so much easier for men to truly open up with one another.
So, what can we do to try to improve things? There are 3 key areas which, to my mind at least, are hugely important:
- Look out for others. If anything seems different, out-of-character, or concerning, try to have a gentle 1-2-1 conversation, to determine if everything is ok.
- As part of this, always ask twice if someone is ok. This is the one thing which really stuck with me following the excellent 2021 Roman Kemp documentary on male mental health and suicide. Basically, it isn’t enough to ask someone once if they’re ok. There’s a need to ask twice – a beneficial way of gently probing to hopefully get a truthful answer.
- Try to create opportunities which will lead to open and honest conversations. Getting out for a walk is my favourite way of doing this (though the UK weather at this time of year means it isn’t always easy). Engineer time alone with a friend – either a coffee, or beer, or a meal. It’s almost always easier having open and honest 1-2-1 conversations, or in very small groups, than it is opening up in larger gatherings.
- Tell male family members and friends how important they are. It’s highly likely they’ll feel exactly the same way.
There are seemingly small-scale things all us men can do to help each other. At a time when it seems much of the world is heading in the opposite direction, and division, anger, and selfishness looms large, let’s try to normalise empathy, honesty, openness, and truly looking out for one another.
Best wishes and take care.
Mick
